A.J. Flowers

Territory Humanities (T.H.) here, and we interrupt this regular programming to announce there is a killer in our midst, folks. That’s right, a deadly, unstoppable epidemic! Rumors mislabeled the affliction as a bio-weapon from rival countries. However, it’s become apparent this killer does not discriminate and targets victims on a global scale. No one is safe!

T.H. officials have decided that for populace safety, this announcement shall include a full list of symptoms. If you experience any of the early signs, or find yourself in the advanced stages, we recommend you seek help at the nearest emergency center.

The killer begins by dulling life for the victim, which is known as Stage 1. What once was exciting will start to seem mundane. The victim will spend more time sitting idly, often favoring an old chair and falling into unconsciousness during the day. The victim will become resistant to change and discover that various parts of their body will hurt without any justification, further encouraging the lack of physical activity. And while the victim has moved little, if at all, during the day, nighttime will become a locus of activity. No matter the amount of fluids the victim may have ingested, multiple episodes per night will require running back and forth from the bedroom to the toilet for the urge to urinate. Often, however, this will be a false alarm and the victim will have run to the bathroom for no reason at all. T.H. scientists speculate this is due to the body’s urge to maintain physical exercise.

At the end of this stage, the victim will begin snapping at friends and family for the smallest of offenses. Irritability is understandable, and should not be feared. However this is a warning to Stage 3 when the victim’s skin will loosen from their body and fold over itself. T.H. scientists have dubbed this phenomenon as the formation of “wrinkles.”

As if that isn’t terrifying enough, the hair on top of the victim’s head will begin to lose color. It’ll change at the root, one strand at the time, and grow spindly and coarse. Color loss is often a warning to the end of Stage 3 where the hairs begin to fall out altogether. This may begin as one small spot on the back of the head, or sometimes the front, and it’ll spread until nothing is left except the frail, “wrinkled” scalp.

Having tormented the victim with a terrifying affinity of a zombie, the insanity doesn’t stop there. Stage 4 comes next. The victim’s vision will begin to blur, and just when the poor soul has trouble finding their way around day-to-day life, the killer makes sure their hearing goes as well. If you find you or a loved one yelling louder than they should, or asking to repeat a sentence multiple times, do not hesitate to seek out emergency care.

In the event you experience these effects and do not seek medical attention, we warn you that Stage 5 is the moment of no return and the victim’s body will begin to completely shut down. The blood vessels will clog with fat and the organs won’t receive necessary oxygen. In some cases the brain will be unable to retain new memories or recall old ones. Theorists speculate that the killer has an ounce of mercy, and wishes the victim to be unaware of their state by the time organic shutdown arrives.

I know this is terrifying stuff, folks, but we have provided this announcement with optimism and hope! In the event you or a loved one reach the advanced stages of this frightful affliction, we assure you we’re well on our way to a cure. The afflicted should segregate to specialty centers with all the Jell-O they can eat until our research is complete. While patients wait for treatment, we have supplied entertainment to each center in the form of games called bingo and bridge. We’re told they’re a big hit.

For those of you in the early stages of this mysterious disease, our T.H. scientists have developed consumer products to combat these terrifying symptoms. Be sure to stop by your local emergency center and pick up new products such as a “hearing aid” or “bifocal glasses” to foil this maniac’s plans. Mention the code “we fight 4 you-T.H.” to get a discount of 20%!

The End

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