Merlin’s House Rules: A Squire’s All-Essentials Guide to Survival: Humor Flash Fiction

This pamphlet has been commissioned by King Arthur’s court for your well-being and safety. Ignore at your own peril.

Welcome to Camelot, and congratulations! Being hired as Merlin’s squire is an honorable and well-paid role, and no duty to our king’s wizard is too small. We praise your courage, loyalty, and dedication to ease relations between our fine king and finicky sorcerer.

Perhaps you’re overconfident, which is to be expected. You wouldn’t have been hired if Merlin thought you wouldn’t fall for at least one of his tricks! Bravery and stupidity have a very fine line. We’re here to help.

Rule #1

This may be obvious, but it must be said. Never, under any circumstances, touch Master Merlin’s wand. (Make of that what you will.)

Rule #2

Merlin has many tricks, but this will definitely be the first one he tries on you. In the event you are requested to fetch said wand, don’t. Only a wizard can wield a wand without turning into a toad. (Again, make of that what you will.)

Rule #3

Ok, so didn’t follow this pamphlet’s advice and now you’re croaking for a cure. First off, kudos for being able to read even while having amphibian eyes. We’re impressed. Secondly, you’re going to have to find Queen Guinevere and ask her to give you a kiss. She’ll understand. She’s a sweetheart to take on such a role. For some reason though… she’s gotten the worst reputation by helping us out.

Rule #4

Merlin’s our best wizard (and since he’s the only wizard we know, we say that truthfully), so we want him to be comfortable, right? Wrong! The last time Merlin got too comfortable he made a game where no one could pull the king’s sword out of a stone. Who does that?

Rule #5

Another of Merlin’s favorites is sending his squires on a quest. Perhaps he’ll conjure a dragon for you to slay, or give you a grand tale about a golden cup called the Holy Grail. Trust me, dragons are for knights, not virgin squires (virgins always get eaten). As for the Holy Grail, Arthur’s got dibs.

Rule #6

If you’ve noticed a trend by now, you’re right; Merlin is bored silly. He’s been around for a long time and life has lost its zest. To keep Merlin entertained, we recommend talking to the Lady of the Lake. She gave him that blasted sword, and it entertained him for generations. Perhaps she’s got some other ideas of how to keep him from getting into too much trouble. Or, maybe she’ll finally take it back.

All right, I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got for you, fine squire. May you be inspired and prepared for the arduous journey of tending to a man whose beard never stops growing.

Kind Regards,

Morgan Le Fay

P.S. I’ll be visiting court again soon to discuss the matter of Master Merlin with the King. If you have any troubles at all, you let us know right away!

The End

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